My name's Random!

A friend of mines post on facebook:
"ahhhhhhhh....my car died today. i have $4. what a nightmare my life has become. no car, 2 months behind on student loans, 10 months behind on all other bills, living with my mom at age 40. now u see why I want to just quit this life?"

my advice:
"I can understand you wanting to. That sounds pretty bad. But keep pushing foreward. That's what life is about. Plus, if you DO kill yourself, that means youre just a big pussy. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather push through debt and misery then die a big pussy."

People who kill themselves deserve to die.


Sans, perhaps, people perscribed medication by a doctor which leads them to do so. Perhaps.

Current Mood: annoyed

A lot is always going on. In a boring, there's nothing to do, kind of way.

I'm pretty sure my roommates are hooking up. There's a good chance it's going on right now. Or they're discussing how awesome I am. We all said goodnight, or...he went to his room, and told me goodnight, and when I left, she was laying on her bed, and less than a minute after I hear them both in his room.

This particular suspicion, which I honestly have no proof to back up, is only mentionable because it sums up how I've been feeling with every person in my life. I get this weird feeling like everyone's keeping a secret from me, or like I just dont know where I stand. At first, I shrugged it off to paranoia. But after so long...I dｕｎｎｏ．．．

I am still looking for work. Work is few and far between as far as film goes. I don't know why, but I seem to be getting a LOT of sound jobs. Word to the wise= anyone looking to get into the hollywood film scene, to pay the bills, learn how to operate a sound mixer. You will be loved beyond your wildest dreams. I'm looking for a more regular job now. Something to add a little regular chaos to my life. Odds are, I'm going to end up taking seasonal job after seasonal job. That would be ideal. I'm not looking to settle for anything less than my dream job. Unless it pays well. I wouldn't mind security at the airport for about 20 bucks an hour. I'd sell my soul to that.

At the same time, I've cancelled on a girl I've been seeing twice to spend time with my roommate/best friend and my other roommate/complicated relationship. So...I'm guessing I'm not going to see her again. haha. Oooooh well. Tragic romance is more interesting than a date with a stranger, as far as I'm concerned. I wish everyone had that same rational...

I have burnt up and died. I need to be reborn again. I've rediscovered myself, addressed my own problems, and now I need to reuse this knowledge to live again. You can't build a treehouse by staring at a hammer.

I'm dialogue editing a film called "House of the Wolfman." It stars Ron Chaney (Lon Chaney's grandson) and it is fantastically terrible. The acting is cheesy, the story is pretty far fetched, but put all together, it's like I'm ACTUALLY looking at footage from the 40's or 50's, which means they succeed. And when you put all of it together, it makes a unique and fun picture. And I'm only dialogue editing. I don't get money based on how many people seeing it. This is how I REALLY feel! lol.

Thats all for now. I'm off to see if I can beat the evil Shadow being that's infected the Shadow Temple. It's just a matter of time...

but I can't get this...weird...nagging voice in the back of my head to shut up. I've been feeling more and more alone lately. Not on a friendship level. I feel like that's more distant than I'd like it to be, but I knew that'd be a sacrafice I'd have to make when I chose to do what I'm doing. I'm talking about relationship wise. I haven't been in a real relationship since...Monica? Was that really my last real relationship? Geez...that was a year and a half ago. I've come pretty close a couple times since then, but it seems everytime I either a)blow it, b)panic (which leads to "a" again) or c)they blow it.

I know how desperately pathetic this sounds, but I don't care. 2 of my 3 roommates are in relationships. Only 1 of them is healthy, but whatever. I guess my problem is I'm the nice guy. I talk to girls, befriend them, listen to them. All of that is okay IF you're in a relationship already. Being single and doing that...not such a good way to fix the single thing. I guess I wouldn't even notice it, except that all my single friends seem to have...dissapeared. Don't get me wrong. I'm not begging for a relationship. I'm not up all night praying on a copy of Twilight. I don't own a van. I guess this post is more about wanting to find someone to connect with. No one down here seems to feel that tho. It's so fake. So...so...Hollywood. Itd be nice to meet someone and just...stay in now and then. Hang out with. Talk to. Like I said, connect.

But, being the cynical that I am, I'm just going to accept that it probably wont happen for me. Not for a while, anyways. Not until Summer Glau, Emma Watson, Mae Whitman, or Amy Smart realize I've been the one for them all along and come knocking at my door. Or maybe they could all realize it at the same time...that'd be nice, too...

Current Mood: melancholy

See journal? I swore to update you more, and here I am!

I've been playing Dissidia a lot the last couple days. Epic. That's all I have to say on that.

I think I've finally accepted that I've closed that last book. I'm not crazy about the whole "Chapters/Seasons/Parts of my life" stuff, especially when used in excess, but there are definetly moments when a whole series of things that had been building up for a long period of time all seem to come to a close in a very tight period of time. So I believe it may apply here. Appropriatly, any way. I'm not particularly happy about the way it ended, but whatever. That's what this next part is for. The moving on part. Life already has built me a pretty fair momentum that helps me from slowing down too much. Yay for me.

I finally watched Jesus Camp tonight. Well, the majority of it. The last part wasn't allowed on Youtube, so I scanned around for bits and pieces, and am fairly certain I've seen the last part in, well...bits and pieces. It's interesting. It didn't start out as badly as I thought it would, and I think there was some tricky editing to make the situations look slightly more...incriminating, but the fact that a lot of what was said and done was even said and done in any context disturbs me. Now, many know that I'm not exactly religeous. I'm not even exactly positive on how it's spelt, and I'm too lazy to care. I am, in fact, Agnostic. A fact that can and will be warped slightly if the fate of one night depends on it. Religeon, I've learned, isn't important. To me, that is. It's the people around me that matter the most. I once heard a religeous boy (who used to bully me) say that as he pulled up to stop lights, he often wondered if the person in the car next to him would be going to heaven or hell. This information disturbs me. So, when I say the events in this movie disturb me, I want to make it clear what I mean by "disturbs me." Religeon doesnt disturb me, extremists do. The more and more I see of either side, the more I yearn for the sweet solitairy boringness that is purgatory.

In more sad, yet positive news, I finished Arrested Developement the other day. It was sad, but at the same time, I know that I finished what I will go on record right now as calling the best show TV has ever seen. And I am excited for a year and a half to go by when I can see the movie.

Current Mood: tired

The temptation to attempt artsy writing styles and seductive word choice is very strong, however I believe I will hold that at bay for the short stories I favor in my free time.

I've been in a funk lately. Not the funky funk. There's no music in this funk of mine, except, of course, the soundtrack sounds from the Big Lebowski. A personal favorite of mine. No, this funk has taken it's toll on many people I care about. After my post last night, which I still stand by and believe in, I got thinking. Maybe I'm pushing people away, subconciously? Thinking about all the people, I kept coming to the conclusion in my head that, though I wasn't perfect, THEY were still in the wrong. Time and time again. But after so many times, one has to consider "Hey...maybe it's me?" which is what I'm being forced to do.

I began cleaning my room the other day. It was cleansing. It was very metaphorical. I dumped EVERY piece of anything that I owned into the middle of my floor. As I stared at this enormous pile of pack-ratted collections, I didn't think about family, friends, or how this represented myself. All I could muster were "Fuck...I'm way in over my head here." So I did what any red blooded american would do. I played Contra. I drank. I did everything I could possibly do to avoid it. I had this HUGE pile of me, sitting in the middle of my room, and I acted as if it wasn't there. Finally, one day, I noticed it. We stared each other down, and I finally concluded "No more!" So I dealt with it. It's a process I'm still going thru, and needless to say, I feel far better than when I did at the begining. I hate cleaning. I hate making a mess and then realizing I just made plans for myself. But this is a process I am going to remember. It really has told me a lot about myself. Metaphorically, of course.

If there's one thing I've learned lately, it's that you should live your life for yourself. But that's lonely. And that living for other people makes you a co-dependant fool no one will ever respect. Living for the environment makes you a hippie, and living for the dollar makes you evil. So what should one live for? I've come to learn this answer. And I think you should, too.

Current Music: Kenny Rogers

Everytime I visit you with promises of more frequent returns, and here we are, almost a month since my last. I'm truly sorry. I will try to make more of an effort, even though I fear it is just you I am talking to anymore. Maybe someone in the future from when I'm writing these words is reading you. Who knows, and honestly, who cares.

I feel good about a lot of things. I'm getting work, meeting new people, making stronger bonds with new friends down here, to name a few. However, I feel terrible about even more things. I've decided to stop speaking or attempting to speak to several people who were close to me. Not because they're "too much drama" or "have baggage I just don't need right now" or even from "annoyance." I would never, ever turn my back on a friend for any of those reasons. I may need a break here and there, and vent and shout that I never want to see them again, but I never mean it. However, I have made this desicion due to the fact that they seemed to have given up on me. Try and try again, I get no response, no answers, no...anything. No one's perfect, I get that. I'm certainly not. But somewhere along the line, I'm expected to act perfectly, in a perfect manner, while they allow themselves to act in flawed responses and actions, while I take the full blame. I'm fucking tired of it. I am not saying I am forever turning my back to them, but I am not going to attempt to contact them anymore. If they wish to speak to me, I am more than willing to listen. Willing to talk it out, or do whatever it takes, to fix the problem, and get over it. But I'm tired of trying to take the first step and being ignored. I may not deserve the best, but I know I fucking deserve better than that.

I'm also feeling very lonely, lately. I'm not sure if it's depression, again, or what. I don't know. It's just...maybe I've been pushing people away, in some way, I just feel suddenly abandoned. Like there are a handful (if that) of friends I can still turn to, and trust that they will turn to me if they need help. I used to have meny, it seemed like. Dozens! But, in the blink of an eye, I don't know what happened. Where they went. I hope this is a phaze that passes sooner than later.

I have been very cold to my journal lately. Right now, I'm at my...internship? I dunno...I guess you could call it that. I don't know if anyone's heard of it, but I'm going to be working on the upcoming feature "House of the Wolfman". That should be fun. I'm not doing anything huge, but I'm dialouge editing.

I've been trying to finish my ghost script to film. One of 2 things will happen with that. It'll go up on youtube/break.com, where you can watch the awsomeness that is my effects editing. OR I will have filmed it horribly wrong, failed as a director, and hung myself with my own shame and self pity.

Not that anyone cares, but there were 3 girls that I had feelings for. 2 of them decided I was being unreasonable (at 2, maybe it is me? I dont think so tho...I've offered to talk to both of them, but no luck...oh well) and one just sort of drifted apart. Actually, it probably came to a "who can push the other one away" fastest contest at the end. I wish none of them ill will, and would love to keep in contact with them...I just think it's funny that in 1 month I lost 3 very worth while girls. Ooooh well. C'est la vie...

Everything seems to be just going wrong lately. When it rains, it pours, I guess tho...

but still. I can't find a job, every single girl I've had feelings for over the last 2 years has stopped talking to me, is avoiding me, or is for one reason or another angry with me. Some is my fault, some isn't. I'm not holding onto them or anything, it's just weird when all of a sudden they're all gone. On top of all that, my debts are coming up, I still havent cleaned my room, and now I come home to find we have ants...

FML. F. M. L. Little things that shouldn't be important suck when none of them go right.

Updates soon...begin the anticipation.

I never realized until last night how little I ACTUALLY cared about celebrity sightings. Like, I knew it was never a big deal, and I wouldn't throw a big fuss, but last night a certain "celebrity" sports player was several feet away, and I was actually trying to move AWAY from him. That didn't strike me until later, but I've hit the point where when I see someone that crouds of people are rushing towards, I try and run in the opposite direction.

Good for me?

Or...close to it. I guess I wont get there till thursday, so, whatever. I'm beggining to wonder if my ol' jeep will make it...

It'll be cool to get to see everyone. My roommates are going to be joining me on this fine trip up. That shall be great. However, they decided to come back early, and since the person who was originally going to accompany me back down...uh...can't do it anymore, the trip back is going to suck hardcore. I'm anticipating death, actually. I've never made the drive without at least a 30 minute nap, and even that was with another person, and it almost killed me. Can't...wait...

Also, this trip may be my only shot at fixing a mistake I've made. I've been back and forth about it for the last few weeks. I'm finally able to get a good nights sleep, and I don't want to say that it consumed my life, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it at LEAST once a day. Sometimes, I think "just move on, ignore it. Whatever..." and then another part of me keeps letting it eat away. It's really quite frusterating...I think I'm going to at least approach the situation WHILE in portland, and if I can fix things, then great. If not, another week of restless sleep and comfort food before I get back to forgetting it ever happened.

I'm still terrified about the trip back...

Here's a trend I'm getting sick of. The whole "Ian, I'm mad at you!"
"what? why?"
"Because you weren't being perfect!"
"But...you weren't being perfect either..."
"I'm only human! You can't expect me to be perfect all the time!"
"Bu-...I...you..."
"Just leave, Ian..."

Okay, here's the deal. I'm not perfect, I know that. I'm going to screw up. But I will ALWAYS try to make it right. I do anything for the people I care about. Sometimes all there is to heal those wounds is time, I know. But...god damn. To blame me for not being perfect, only to have THAT thrown in my face? On several occasions, too. Makes no sense...and makes me more than a little upset.

It hurricanes.. and then Nedry steals the embryos. Newman...

And the perfect song comes on.

Current Music: Build me up Buttercup

This whole time I thought my downer mood was something else. I thought it wsa related to an event that unfolded...and maybe it was. Partially. But I get over things fairly easily. I may remember them, but they don't affect me as bad. So thinking that affected me as much as it seemed to threw me off.

That is until I remembered.

Every year at about this time this happens to me. Not to quite such an extent, and for the extremity of it this year I have no answer, but none the less, I remember why. Why every year, for most of my life, I become depressed. I see the clouds that have no silver lining.

Happy birthday KC.

I'm in this weird funk lately. I don't know why, but it started in Oregon. I think I know what started it, and I've done everything I can think of to make myself feel better, but I just keep reverting back down. I keep thinking about what happened.


Ugh...it's frusterating. Everything that brings me up eventually drags me back down. I was fine with it, until yesterday. I noticed that I've started taking it out on my family and friends, and that doesn't sit right with me. That's the breaking point. I need to fix this. Now.

Current Mood: down

...before I go to sleep, that is.


Aaaah...a joke that wont get the appreciation my tired mind believes it deserves...

I'm going away for a while, but I'll be back real soon. Hopefully with lots to report on. I know my lack of posting has been due to a lack of...well...anything really happening. But soon it will be due to overly amount of things happening. Huzzah!

There's a certain person from my past I'm considering just severing all ties with. It's kinda been a long time coming, and who knows if I even do it. I'm pretty good at not doing it! But...I mean...it just kinda fits. Thinking of this person just makes me frusterated. They used to call me stupid for having ideas and opinions, then mocked them. I don't even know why I got to thinking of it...oh well. Odds are, it's me, I wont even do it. Or it's already been done, minus the online connections. That's all I would be doing.

Haha, I just realized a few people could read that and think it applies to them...who is it? Find out at 11!


anyway, I'm off...to p-town (haha, is that code for portland, or am I just going to the bathroom? You'll never know!!! HAHAHAH!!!)

Current Mood: chipper

My updates are getting fewer and further inbetween. For all the...2? 3? people who still read this. Maybe that's it. Less people makes me care less about it. I'll never abandon it, or delete it. That seems kind of pointless. The deleting, that is.

I've finished 2 cases of capri sun in the same amount of days. I don't know if that's bad, but I doubt that it's good...

I've been to 6 flags a lot. Twice in the last month. For under 30 dollars altogether tho, so not bad! I've officially been on every ride there. Superman I rode 3 times in a row. I hear a bunch of people saying it's scary, and honestly, I used to think that too. I don't get it tho. It's way less scary than any of the other rides there! X2 is the best. The line's just always too long...and the Goliath is probably my most rode. If X2 isnt the best, then that award definetly goes to Tetsu. You LITTERALLY feel like you're flying at certain points, not to mention it has the most g-force in a loop out of any of the other rides. Kick. Ass. The new Terminator ride is decently fun enough, if you get the front. Which I did! haha. If there's a long line I wouldnt waste the time, though. Go for the Deja Vu or the Screamer. Deja Vu is awsome if the line is less than one turn.

I've become a roller coaster junkie. I used to really love them, but now, all I do is think about them. Someone told me they wanted to get into disneyland, because someone said they worked there and they could ride the rollercoasters for free. I, admittingly, got a little upset. I told them "No! You're going with me to Six Flags! Disney Land doesn't have roller coasters...it's got the mountain thing which is alright, the rock and roll ride which is fun, except in the dark, and other than that, it doesn't have squat on six flags." haha. Geez...I'm getting overreactive about it...

I just finished the series Spaced. Very cool show. Anyone who's a fan of Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, or just movies in general, should check it out. Or if you're into very goofy british humor.

And now I am off to finish writing, and watching Futurama. See ya in a week!